What are you an example of? I am an example of transformation. And subsequent setbacks that taught me how to not let it bother me.
You can make something new too.
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I’m not in class or bed. I’m nowhere with no one. I’m hoping for a three sixty, not a one eighty.
FIND ME.
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If I could focus, I’d be more than just intense.
I could once but can I still? With this mess made?
To be where I am, these words need pushes. I am fisting spinning blenders, trampolining you.
(Quench)
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Like all dreams, it was just a dream.
It must have been, me waking to you standing in the corner in my closet’s shadow. But my eyes were open. I apologized aloud to you for the sound of my cell’s alarm. I turned away to turn it off. I looked back to where your face should have been. You’d left, gone elsewhere.
Do not come and go.
That spot, it needs.
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I can ride my bike while eating cherries and spitting pits. It’s what I do to take the edge off three hours of neuroanatomy. Tomorrow’s algebra and corn. I know I can do that because I’ve done it before (the math and the cob).
I am still a genius. But other things too.
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I am back at class to get the necessary prerequisites for postgraduate work in neuropsychology.
So far I do not like it. But more than that I do not like being an artist and not making art and working in a shop letting my brain rot. I do absolutely love being a girl, an identity mostly realized through the latter occupation. I am mad I didn’t capitalize on the many fetishy pleasures inherent in my sex prior. I may attend a jewellery design/armour welding course in the fall if this summer session tumbles. Even writing that felt good.
I have to be up in twenty minutes to teach Bikram. Love conquers fatigue though. I’m in love because it made me the mostly bumbling sometimes grumbling transformer that I am! It has made me me. I love beautiful things. Pretty much every decision of mine is an aesthetic one. I try to not be in denial about this truth, to learn how to live this belief in more complex contexts than just looking. Literally looking, as cameras do. And being looked at, as stars do.
Hey Ashleigh,
Just wanted to say that it was nice to see you the other day. It
looks like you’re doing well. I know how weird it can be when you’ve
changed a lot to see people from your past. I just want you to know
that it’s fine with me that you change and grow. It’s also fine with
me if you don’t. I want you to be happy and inspired, whatever that
means for you.
Best,
______
I am eating a fig. Actually, several figs, cut in quarters, floating in rice milk and sprouted buckwheat.
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…because I am scared
And also, just because.
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