Tuesday August 26th, 2008 @ 10:00 PM
Filed under: now
Tell me who you are. I did.
Take care (of me).
Posted by Ashleigh Larratt | Permalink | 3 Comments
Sunday August 24th, 2008 @ 1:45 PM
Filed under: now
After waking up with me all over myself I was still the same.
Me?
Posted by Ashleigh Larratt | Permalink | 1 Comment
Saturday August 23rd, 2008 @ 12:44 PM
Filed under: now
I wish you weren’t anonymous.
Posted by Ashleigh Larratt | Permalink | 1 Comment
Saturday August 23rd, 2008 @ 12:22 PM
Filed under: now
I am having a wonderful day.
I was having a wonderful day when I wrote that early yesterday.
I woke up at five. I drank juice. I biked to the yoga studio to teach a class. I love riding my bike when the city’s still sleeping. A few really good and a few more really bad are out on display which I sketch. Know though that I don’t believe in ideas of right or wrong, the pasture in which I graze is so far beyond that.
Mostly, downtown overwhelms me, makes me feel so small and everything else too big. But on my bicycle, while this relationship doesn’t change, I am just able to deal with it, be with it, navigate and peddle within it. I can love my littleness.
And as for the class? Amazing. The opening breathing exercise was ridiculous, everyone moving in perfect unison creating this energetic swirly wind that blew me like a kite this way and that. It’s difficult to explain the feeling of being in a room with fifty sweaty all completely different live humans, mirrors everywhere, my voice guiding the moving meditation for ninety minutes. Whatever it is I’m sensing, it is tangible. When students come out of a posture that gave them what they needed, I’m a sentient light bulb getting screwed for the first time. I’d be cliche and say it’s orgasmic but that wouldn’t be an entirely accurate description. I’ll avoid the cliche and be more accurate and say it’s like everyone else in the room is having an orgasm and I can feel them having it in my own body everywhere but there.
After class I went to Chinatown and bought five mangoes.
They’re gone now.
I came home and watched an episode of Dexter. He goes to an AA meeting for his addiction to killing people and gave the following speech. I am not a serial killer but I get his words and anyone who is here with me understands too. We’ve all got a bad wolf inside that we’ve fed, made fat.
My name is Dexter and I don’t know what I am. I just know there’s something dark in me. I hide it. I certainly don’t talk about it. But it’s there. Always. This dark passenger. And when he’s driving I feel alive. Half sick with the thrill, the complete wrongness. I don’t fight him. I don’t want too. He’s all I’ve got. Nothing else could love me. Not even, especially not me. Or is that just a lie the dark passenger tells me. Because lately there are these moments when I feel connected to something else. Someone. And it’s like the mask is slipping. And things, people, who never mattered before are suddenly starting to matter. It scares the hell out of me.
And then is now. I woke up. I woke up from a nap.
And this is now.
The next morning. Slept in because I napped. I’m usually up by five. I’m breaking rules, I’m drinking coffee. I’m going to the beach today. Also very out of character.
My father and my grandfather. Both brilliant, but different. Seen (and captured) as they are by a past lover and daughter.
As they were?
Posted by Ashleigh Larratt | Permalink | 1 Comment
Thursday August 21st, 2008 @ 6:48 PM
Filed under: now
In my past life I was a mango.
This is the only explanation.
Posted by Ashleigh Larratt | Permalink | 3 Comments
Thursday August 21st, 2008 @ 11:24 AM
Filed under: now
There is something about the area in the air a bit above my mattress because I become a fluorescent green vibrating kryptonite fueled worm when I first lie down to go to sleep and when I first wake up to go start my day.
Seeing as how I passed through that area about twenty minutes ago I AM surplus. Thus, I have big plans today, the this-is-the-first-day-of-the-rest-of-my-best-life kind of big plans. This energy excess isn’t so useful in the P.M. though. If I’m a good girl I’ll do something self-soothing to self-calm. Read a book (but all my books are scary). Watch a movie (but I only like the heart tearing sort). Take a bath (but that gets boring quick). Eating is my least favorite method, but it does usually get me from awake to asleep, the worst transitory quality I have.
Other than making sleep happen, I AM a transformer!
Posted by Ashleigh Larratt | Permalink | Comments
Thursday August 21st, 2008 @ 12:06 AM
Filed under: now
I’ve been up since four in the morning on four hours of sleep. I taught a very early morning yoga class, as I always do, and since then, until now, have been on the film set. The mainstream movie industry is, I don’t know. I finished the book I was reading though. And there’s nothing like watching people that like being watched. I had to wear this ridiculously not-me wardrobe. And dance. Which is an even more not-me thing. Though sometimes I nod my head a bit or shift my weight side to side when I’m baking. But in public? Never. I hate “clubbing”, both the real-fake kind and the fake-fake kind, the later of which I pretended to do today. I think I’ve only done it once before.
Posted by Ashleigh Larratt | Permalink | 2 Comments